Amazon sends me email with list of books that I will probably like, and they’re often right.  And their bargain section – hard to search, but some really great deals.  Which they also email.  Did I mention the Prime account with free shipping?

More email from Borders.  With coupons.  Unfortunately, I had my mom use my rewards card and now they think I want inspirational fiction.

Borders also closed a nearby store.  I was sad, but, you know, $3.99 hardcover fiction.

NPR author interviews.  Usually non-fiction.

qpb.com – this is one of those automatic shipment dealies.  Sometimes I forget to cancel the autoship.  Oops.

I follow a few authors on twitter.  And when they’ve been so nice as to answer back, the least I can do is buy their latest book, right?

And there’s the magical new world of e-books on the iPad:  Ibooks (expensive but great formatting), Kindle app (excellent selection, frequent special offers), and free library books (as soon as I get my card renewed.)

My latest enabler is Sarah at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books.  No only do her recommendations rock, she’s hilarious and the lively community has eliminated (mostly) the guilt I have for reading genre fiction when I have an English degree.   And then her site linked to All Romance, which is cheap, easy, usually DRM-free, and has a crazy variety.  And now they send me emails.

Currently, my unread stack – okay, stacks – numbers over 50, and that’s just recent purchases, and doesn’t include e-books that I’ve gotten free or books that have been in my collection for years but have never been read (I’m so sorry, Margaret Atwood – it’s not you, it’s me).

So yeah, I think I’ll go read something.

So, I’m going to assume here that the movie is an accurate portrayal of the book, because if it isn’t, I would expect all those people with the personality defects would have been bemoaning in on the internet someplace I would have noticed.  Based on the movie, the following is a list of things (surely not comprehensive) that Ayn Rand had no understanding of whatsoever:

Law

Economics

Political Science

Governmental Structure

Corporate Structure

The Natural Rhythm of Dialogue

Human Relationships

Human Nature

and finally, subtlety, balance, and moderation.

I cannot regret watching it, however, as now I can completely ignore that lingering sense that I should have read the book at some point, and the movie took way less time.

In better uses of my time today, I started backing up my music collection to Amazon Cloud, and it is very easy to do.  Taking awhile, of course.  I need to pare down my itunes collection to stuff I actually like.

Also, I got a fully cooked brisket at HEB, mostly because it was their meal deal thing where it came with tons of free stuff, and it was actually pretty good.  The BBQ sauce that came with it was also pretty good.  While I can’t call heating a pre-cooked hunk of meat “cooking”, I will say that I feel I am getting the hang of “meal planning”, and also, the HEB Buffalo Market is quite cool as long as you don’t go on Sunday.

1. Vow to eat healthier.

2. Vow to cook more to facilitate eating healthier.

3. Buy lettuce or other greens despite not really liking salad.  Feel guilty about buying the prewashed greens in sacks as certain they harbor e. coli, but do it anyway, because buying heads of lettuce is just a serious PITA.  Decide to just wash the bagged stuff really, really well.

4. Leave salad prep until rest of dinner nearly ready, stare at wet lettuce in colander and think, “I really need a salad spinner.”

5. Look on Amazon for salad spinner.  Think, “Why are salad spinners so expensive?”  Don’t buy one.

6. Throw out remains of lettuce a week later.

Firstly, who should use the self-checkout?

1.  The self-checkout is really an express lane.  I’m not suggesting you have to enforce a strict per-transaction item limit, but if your basket is full,  the regular lane is the appropriate place for you.  Likewise, if you have more than 5 un-barcoded produce items, please look to the cashier, who has memorized all the codes.  They’ve done studies, it’ll actually be faster, really.  Also, if you are buying booze, if there does not seem to be sufficient store staff handy to approve the purchase, at least leave it until the end of the transaction.

2.  If you are over 60 years of age, and find yourself saying things like, “this new computer gadget business is beyond me,” or if you cannot work all the features of your cell phone, the self-checkout process is not for you. Personal experience also leads me to stress that this also applies to the self-serve scale business at the post office.

3.  If you have a child in that grabby age, there’s no shame in having the most possible assistance from the grocery store staff.

So to be clear, the ideal self-checkout customer is someone who is comfortable with basic technology and is not overly distracted.

Speaking of distractions, I think it fair to state that really, all cell phone conversations should be avoided in any type of line that is less than 10 persons long.  Even then, texting is a fine way to communicate/use up downtime in any sort of public venue.  But if it is inevitable that you cannot end your conversation, please prioritize the actual ringing up of items over the stresses of whatever is happening on the other end of that call.  Volume is also an issue; no one else in line wants to privy to the salacious details of your life.

On that note, the self-checkout line is also not the place to make friends.  I realize that some people are naturally friendly, but everyone in that line is likely either to be in a hurry or not in the mood to talk to people, so don’t be hurt if you don’t get an enthusiastic reaction.

And the most vital issue is the actual mechanics of the line.  First of all, there should be one line per bank of self-checkout registers, not one line per register.  This is most fair to all customers, and allows the persons at the register to check up without feeling as if the next customer is breathing down their neck in anticipation. Optimally, stores could design the setup to encourage an orderly one-line system, perhaps even with signage.  Stores could also have someone always handy to deal with the inevitable needs for approval, but not so helpful that they are intrusive.  After all, someone may have chosen this lane because they don’t want to communicate with anyone.

As far as payment options, as with all express lane scenarios, credit or debit is the way to go.  Even though it is impossible in the self-checkout lane, I would like to add as an aside that, if you write a check in a regular express lane, I want to kill you dead.

I would also like to take this moment to applaud all retailers who give cash back in $5 or $10 increments.  It’s really a pain to break a $20 sometimes.

I think reasonable society can agree that these simple guidelines will help promote an efficient and polite environment.  Thank you for reading.

We’ve seen most of the re-runs of the design shows, and frankly, most of the formats get a bit tired after the second season.  Our favorites are the ones where people buy houses, which HGTV thoughtfully has been playing in large blocks.  Currently we’re on House Hunters International, which is a big favorite.  (“Why would you live in Tokyo if you have to pay $600k for a 700 square foot condo?”)  But a few weeks ago, they had a block of a new one: My First Sale.  I thought the new buyers were bad, but the new sellers are worse.  These people are completely insane, and I now have a glimmering of respect for realtors.

First lunchtime episode recap: house on market for 6 mos, previous realtor had no movement.  It’s a flip.  They chose, as a flip, a house they bought for $265,000, put $125,000 in upgrades, borrowed the money from their parents, and have it listed for $464,900.  It’s the most expensive house in the neighborhood, and is right next to the freeway.  So let’s review: people without experience decide to flip a house, start with a 3600 sq ft house (not a starter home), and put way too much into upgrades, and now feel really guilty because they did this with their parents’ retirement funds.  Genius.

New realtor they are thinking of hiring:  It’s nice.  I’d market it for $440,000.

Crazy owners: We’ll just list it ourselves at the original price.  No need to consult an expert!

Flaky buyer at open house:  Great place!  If I can sell my house in CA, I’ll buy it.

[nothing happens for weeks]

Owners: Hurray!  We have an offer!  But it’s only for $442,000 and she wants 60 days and her lender is demanding the house actually appraise at contract price.  How dare they make such an unreasonable demand!  [b/c it’s a requirement under federal law for some loans, and a prudent marketing practice to prevent mortgage fraud and required by their investors, you morons.]  We’ll counter at $460,000, and try to find her a new lender who doesn’t demand such things.

Buyer: $450,000.

Owners: We want to show that we’re open, but not so open as to go with something approaching the price the realtor suggested initially.  $459,000.

[buyer quits calling]

Owners: Oh noes!  Now she is buying a different house!  We must learn from this experience.  [they don’t.]

2^nd episode recap: it’s her first house, that she bought 12 years ago, a nice starter home that they’ve outgrown.  She bought it for $100k, she owns $91k after 12 years.  [I have in fact paid more down on my house in 2 years.]  This is why Texas has such strict home equity laws, because people are stupid.  Also, she’s an attorney, and has no excuse.  The realtor is introduced with shots of her picking up children’s toys before a showing; her halo glows softly.

Owners: Waaaah!  Our house isn’t selling!

Realtor: Every other house in this neighborhood has sold for less than $200k.  Your asking price is $220k.  You need to lower your price.

Owners: But those houses weren’t as nice as ours!

Realtor: This one is.  It’s under contract for $200k.

Owners: Waaaaaaaaaaaah!  We want lots of equity to buy a bigger house!  [then you shouldn’t have borrowed against it, you idiot.]

[Open house occurs.  Everyone loves the house.]

Realtor: You have an offer for $206,000.

Owners: Do we really have to take that?  It’s so low!

Realtor: It is the best price in the neighborhood; I made you another list that proves this is still true, because I knew you’d ask.  They want to move in within 45 days.

Owners: How can we do that?  We haven’t even started looking for a new house or packed a single thing!

[Note: If I were the realtor, I would use this opportunity to scream at them.  But she merely says very politic things to the camera, without even an eye roll.  She should be beatified.]

Owners: Oh no, we have to find a temporary place to live because we haven’t found a new house yet!  We’ve had to downgrade our expectations to buy a house and we’re still so demanding. Corporate apartment place, do you take dogs? Up to 40 lbs.  Hmm.  [Looks at large dog.  She said it was 90 lbs. earlier in the episode.]  She’s maybe, you know, more like 50lbs.  I can’t tell, she has a lot of hair.  No?  Well, Ok.  Sigh.

Owners: Awww.  We’re sad to leave this house, we will miss it even though we’ve been complaining about it having no yard and we have to take the kids to the park to play.  * crying *

So reality TV, even the classy kind, continues its mission to make the rest of us feel superior.  I often wonder if the people filming ever feel the need to step in and tell people they’re being stupid.  I suppose instead they’re secretly high fiving each other.

Accomplishments: I organized drawers, I purged my tshirt collection, I put away clean laundry, I’ve done so much laundry that I am down to those things that linger in the bottom of the laundry basket because they have to be washed by themselves.  I handwashed delicates.  I cleaned windowsills.  I requested J vacuum under the beds (because a weeklong bout of vertigo made this impossible for me to do by myself.)  I put away books and shredded credit card offers and recycled mail.  I washed both the  duvet cover AND the duvet.  I dusted, and reorganized cabinets until all the stuff on the counter could be put away somewhere.  I organized my sock drawer, even.  I cleaned the soap scum off the shelf in the shower and the toothpaste scum off the toothbrush holder.  I bought a new toothbrush.

I kept meaning to stop and rest on my laurels, but I kept thinking of one more thing to clean that would take just a minute.  The only thing I haven’t done is the ironing, and I did sort it so that it can be ironed tomorrow, after I buy new pillows.  And I’m pretty sure that while ironing I’ll be doing the remaining laundry so that the only dirty clothes in the house are the ones we’re wearing.  I may even get around to fixing that skirt that split up the back.

What the hell is wrong with me?  I have been EVEN MORE productive than when I was cleaning things to avoid studying for the bar.

Because, you see, nothing about the gym is fun.  Except maybe the sauna.

Things I would rather do than go to the gym – Stay late at work, floss, laundry, anything that isn’t actually painful, but mostly, sit on my butt and read.  Or watch stuff on Netflix, I’m flexible.

I just made a salad for dinner.  With chicken.  And fat-free dressing.  It was better than the one I got at Chick-fil-a last week (because that one had clearly been in the back of the fridge all day), but not nearly as good as a cheeseburger and fries.  All in all, I am very tired of 1) salads with chicken, 2) yogurt, and 3) soup.  Soon to be added to this list: bananas and those little clementine oranges, both of which I am buying in insanely large quantities at Costco.

I have in the past owned many watches.  In fact, I still own them – they’re at the bottom of my jewelry box, with broken straps or worn out batteries.  So I deduced that my breaks in watch-wearing was due to the fact that maintaining all those straps and batteries is a huge PITA.  I decided to find a watch that eliminated those pesky factors.  Which led me to an eco-drive (meaning solar powered) one with a metal strap bit.  I got this one at Costco:

Except the one I got has diamond-y accent bits on each side.  So I will wear it everyday, and be both stylish and punctual.  Cause these self-improvement projects always work out.

In conclusion, this sucks and sucks.  And I’m running out of dresses and loose skirts and I have no idea when I’ll be able to wear pants again.

Sorry, just had to get that all out.

You see, yesterday we were having a potluck/tailgate at work, and I decided to make fruit salad.  Other than the sharp knife problem, a relatively easy and safe process, one would expect.  I got up early to make the yogurt-honey dressing, and as the honey was refusing to leave the honey bear, I put it in the microwave to soften up.  Then I wandered off to find the Aleve, as I was on day 3 of a headache.  I realized that the entire kitchen smelled of honey, and that meant it was probably too hot, so rushed back, opened the microwave, and while I was taking the bottle out, the lid flew off and I dropped the bear.   I caught a streak of molten lava temperature honey from above my waist to halfway down the thigh.  After a whirlwind of a second shower, reading the first aid instructions, getting back in the shower, waking JH up to tape on gauze, I finished making the damn fruit salad.  Which was really good, btw.

I realize that there were many points in this process where this could have been averted – putting on pants, waiting by the microwave, not picking up something I knew was really  hot.  It’s not like I like having conversations with my doctor about how these dumbshit things happen.  Nor do I give myself 2nd degree burns on purpose, as JH was muttering when I made him drive.  I sometimes claim that gravity is actually stronger around me than anywhere else, but I realize that I’m really just a special kind of retarded.  When I was asking last night, “Why do these things happen to me?”, JH, who does not understand the concept of a rhetorical question, said, “Because you don’t pay attention to what you’re doing.”  Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a fix for that.

Also, Tara, I may be buying into the concept of Mercury retrograde.  When is it over, again?