I realize that I lack a certain number of social graces, so I’m not looking for a second career as the next Emily Post.  But I think we can all agree that there is a place where a few rules would really improve the interaction among all involved parties.  This is, of course, the self checkout line.  So I humbly propose the following list, as a way to start the discussion:

Firstly, who should use the self-checkout?

1.  The self-checkout is really an express lane.  I’m not suggesting you have to enforce a strict per-transaction item limit, but if your basket is full,  the regular lane is the appropriate place for you.  Likewise, if you have more than 5 un-barcoded produce items, please look to the cashier, who has memorized all the codes.  They’ve done studies, it’ll actually be faster, really.  Also, if you are buying booze, if there does not seem to be sufficient store staff handy to approve the purchase, at least leave it until the end of the transaction.

2.  If you are over 60 years of age, and find yourself saying things like, “this new computer gadget business is beyond me,” or if you cannot work all the features of your cell phone, the self-checkout process is not for you. Personal experience also leads me to stress that this also applies to the self-serve scale business at the post office.

3.  If you have a child in that grabby age, there’s no shame in having the most possible assistance from the grocery store staff.

So to be clear, the ideal self-checkout customer is someone who is comfortable with basic technology and is not overly distracted.

Speaking of distractions, I think it fair to state that really, all cell phone conversations should be avoided in any type of line that is less than 10 persons long.  Even then, texting is a fine way to communicate/use up downtime in any sort of public venue.  But if it is inevitable that you cannot end your conversation, please prioritize the actual ringing up of items over the stresses of whatever is happening on the other end of that call.  Volume is also an issue; no one else in line wants to privy to the salacious details of your life.

On that note, the self-checkout line is also not the place to make friends.  I realize that some people are naturally friendly, but everyone in that line is likely either to be in a hurry or not in the mood to talk to people, so don’t be hurt if you don’t get an enthusiastic reaction.

And the most vital issue is the actual mechanics of the line.  First of all, there should be one line per bank of self-checkout registers, not one line per register.  This is most fair to all customers, and allows the persons at the register to check up without feeling as if the next customer is breathing down their neck in anticipation. Optimally, stores could design the setup to encourage an orderly one-line system, perhaps even with signage.  Stores could also have someone always handy to deal with the inevitable needs for approval, but not so helpful that they are intrusive.  After all, someone may have chosen this lane because they don’t want to communicate with anyone.

As far as payment options, as with all express lane scenarios, credit or debit is the way to go.  Even though it is impossible in the self-checkout lane, I would like to add as an aside that, if you write a check in a regular express lane, I want to kill you dead.

I would also like to take this moment to applaud all retailers who give cash back in $5 or $10 increments.  It’s really a pain to break a $20 sometimes.

I think reasonable society can agree that these simple guidelines will help promote an efficient and polite environment.  Thank you for reading.

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